


hamlet but its a bad rewrite by me

by NightStarWatcher



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon Rewrite, F/M, M/M, Other, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, all women are thots - hamlet, au where horatio is very gay, crack??, gertrude doesnt know whats going on, hamlet is an incel, horatio is very gay tm, im literally rewriting this what am i supposed to tag, oh wait thats just the og play my bad, perhaps?? i havent decided yet, very edgy hamlet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 02:19:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16546952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightStarWatcher/pseuds/NightStarWatcher
Summary: so you know like the garbage can i am i was like hmmmmmmm i should deadass rewrite the ENTIRE hamlet playso here i am w ur casthamlet - an extremely edgy reddit incel who might be gayhoratio - hamlets good g̶a̶y̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ pal. an intellectualclaudius - mr i killed my brother to smash his wifeophelia - area woman dies





	hamlet but its a bad rewrite by me

**Author's Note:**

> imagine thinking "oh i have an idea!" and ur idea was this

BARNARDO and FRANCISCO, two watchmen, enter.

BARNARDO  
who tf is that lmao

FRANCISCO  
Actually, who the fuck are you?

BARNARDO  
uhhhh long live the king lmao

FRANCISCO  
What the fuck barnardo is that you

BARNARDO  
h

FRANCISCO  
Huh, youre actually on time for once

BARANARDO  
its only 12,,, go to sleep frank

FRANCISCO  
My name is Francisco. But thanks for letting me leave i guess. Im depressed you see

BARNARDO  
cool,,, get any action 2night ;;))

FRANCISCO  
No, not even mice

BARNARDO  
you fuck mice lmao???

FRANCISCO  
No 

BARNARDO  
o well,, gn,,,,,,,, if you see gayboy and mark who should be here rn tell them to hurry tf up lmao

FRANCISCO  
Actually i think i hear them right now. Stand, hos! Whos there?

MARCELLUS and HORATIO enter.

HORATIO  
Friends of this country, I assure you.

MARCELLUS  
And SERVANTS of the danish KING!!!

FRANCISCO  
Good night to both of you

MARCELLUS  
See you later honest SOLIDER!!! Whos taking watch now???

FRANCISCO  
barnardo took my place. Good night

FRANCISCO exits.

MARCELLUS  
Hi Barnardo!!!

BARNARDO  
whats up lmao,, is gayboy w u

HORATIO  
I, Horatio, am here, more or less.

BARNARDO  
lmao hanging w the bois, gayboy and mark

MARCELLUS  
So what did that thing appear again tonight???

BARNARDO  
idk i havent seen anything lmao

MARCELLUS  
Horatio says we’re faking it and he wont believe me!!!  
The nasty thing we’ve seen TWICE!!!  
So i forced him to watch with us tonight,  
So if it shows up again he owes me $10!!!

HORATIO  
Oh shush, nothing will happen.

BARNARDO  
lmao sit tf down  
im gonna tell you this shit again  
u who r so against our deadass story   
what weve been seein, fuckass

HORATIO  
Well fine, Marcellus and I will sit down and listen to your make believe story. 

BARNARDO  
so last night, right??? when the mcdonalds closed at 1 am  
[aside] i was hungry af lmao who knew they closed that early  
me n mark- 

The GHOST enters.

MARCELLUS  
Shut up barnardo!!! That thing is back!!!

BARNARDO  
maybe im 2 high but that mf kinda looks like the king?? U kno?? hamlet the not edgy dead one??

MARCELLUS  
(to HORATIO) Youre smart right??? Talk to it or punch it or something!!!

BARNARDO  
doesnt that mf look like the king gayboy??

HORATIO  
Horatio, but yes, he does resemble Hamlet Sr. Terrifying, really.

BARNARDO  
i think it kinda wants us to talk to it??? lmao wack

MARCELLUS  
Ask it something Horatio!!! Beat it up!!!

HORATIO  
What are you, who walks so late in the dead of night; with that fair and military appearance, that appearance of our former King, bless him, had once wore? By the Gods, I order you, speak!

MARCELLUS  
Horatio i think you offended him

BARNARDO  
wtf!! its leaving because of u, gay piece of shit!!

HORATIO  
Stay! Speak, speak, demon! I order you by Heaven to speak! 

The GHOST exits.

MARCELLUS  
Its gone!!! It wont answer now, Horatio!!! Also you owe me $10!!!

BARNARDO  
lmao whts wrong gayboy?? Ur all pale and shakin,, u believe us now dont u??? what about that lmao

HORATIO  
I swear to the God almighty above, if I hadn’t seen this with my own eyes, I’d never believe it, and I gave my last $10 to Hamlet, apologies. 

MARCELLUS  
What the frick!!!   
It did look like the king though, right???

HORATIO  
As much as you, Marcellus, look like yourself. That demon was wearing the very armour our gracious King had once wore while at war with Norway. It frowned just as he, King Hamlet, once had angrily when he attacked Poland, traveling only on sled. It's all very strange. 

MARCELLUS  
Well this has happened before!!! Twice!!! Always at the same time!!! That thing always comes here like he pays rent or something!!!

HORATIO  
I’m not sure how to explain the feeling, but my gut tells me that this cannot be good for our country, Denmark. 

MARCELLUS  
Well, whatever then!!! Sit down and tell me the answer!!! Someone tell me why the heck we have so many guards on watch??? Why there are so many frickin cannon things being built here??? So many weapons from other countries??? Why the builders of the boats are so busy they dont even get to rest on sunday??? Whats going on??? Is something big supposed to happen that doesnt even let people rest??? Someone tell me!!!

HORATIO  
I can try and explain as best i can, or at least those rumours. As you are aware, our late King, bless him, whom we have just seen,   
[aside] Or rather, a demon dressed as our dear King  
Was the rival of King Fortinbras, of Norway. That heathen dared him to battle against him. In their fight, our courageous Hamlet  
[aside] At least, the other, older one we liked  
He heroically slayed old King Fortinbras, he who - on basis strictly on valid legal documentation - surrendered all his territory, including his life, unto he who conquered him. Had our King lost, he would have to do the same; however, now that old King Fortinbras’s younger son, also known as Fortinbras - a handsome and strong, of unproven strength - he has gathered the undesirables from the deepest corners of his country. For a little food, they’re more than willing to secure the land lost by the previous King. As far as I am aware and understand, that's why we are all posted here tonight, and why there's such a commotion- Hey! Wake up!

BARNARDO  
well i didnt pay much attention lmao,, but ya ur right  
maybe thats why there's a mf ghost of hamlet hanging out since he caused all those wars and shit lmao  
but im bouta sleep w mark rq gayboy,, ur speeches are so mf boring and long and that isnt even hamlets soliloquy 

HORATIO  
Do not sleep, we should be at the utmost attention in such trying times.   
Anyways, we should definitely worry about the demon wandering about. Just as in the glorious and epic Roman Empire, before the emperor, Julius Caesar was assassinated, the corpses rose from the grave and ran through the streets, speaking nonsense. There were shooting stars and the blood of the fallen mixed with the tranquil morning dew, and threats on the face of the shining sun. Then the moon, the moon that controls the vicious tides of the great seas, was so eclipsed there was hardly a moon to be seen. We’ve had signs and omens of terrible things that are coming for us, as if both Heaven and Earth have conjoined to warn us of the future. 

The GHOST enters.

Wait, look now! The demon has returned! I’ll speak to it is the last thing I do, and it won’t be as I have more important things and people to do. - Stay here, you demon!

The GHOST spreads his arms.

If you can speak or can make any kind of sound, do so now! Speak to me! If there is any good and pure deed I can perform, if it will bring you peace and me honour, speak to me now! If you know anything of our country's future, good or bad, - if we can avoid so with such knowledge - I beg of you, speak!   
Or maybe if, I don’t know, say you have some buried treasure somewhere,  
[aside] Those can make ghosts restless, I hear  
Tell me about it! Stay and speak! 

A rooster crows.

Marcellus, Stop it! Keep it from leaving! 

MARCELLUS  
Do you want me to beat it up with this spear???

HORATIO  
Yes! Do it if it attempts to flee!

BARNARDO  
hey its over there

HORATIO  
It’s over here!

The GHOST exits.

MARCELLUS  
Its over- gone…  
We shouldnt have threatened it with violence!!! It looks like the king after all!!! Can we even hurt a ghost??? Can we even hurt the air??? What a stupid plan!!! A stupid futile and wicked plan!!!

BARNARDO  
well it kinda looked like it was gonna say somethin b4 that dumbass rooster fucked everythin up lmao

HORATIO  
You’re right, Barnardo. After the cock crowed, the demon looked frightened, it looked like a thief would have if they got caught by the police. Through literature, I’ve read the cock is the caller of the God of Day with that call, sounding like a trumpet; it makes all wandering spirits, wherever they may be, make haste to their original hiding place. I think we’ve just witnessed it!

MARCELLUS  
Yeah!!! It left when the rooster crowed!!! Some people i know say that before christmas the roosters crow all night long!!! They do it so no ghosts come out so the night is safe!!! The planets dont sway us and fairies’ spells dont work and witches cant prank us and horatio cant have sexual intercourse with hamlet all night!!! Thats how holy it is!!!

HORATIO  
Hey stop spreading rumours.  
I have heard mostly the same thing from others, and to an extent I believe it, but look now, the morning breaks in the East, just beyond the hill. It turns the sky crimson. We should temporarily abandon our watch and go tell young Hamlet of what we have seen this night. Maybe the ghost that will not speak to us, speak to sweet Hamlet. Don’t you think we owe it to him? To tell him this not only out of duty, but also love?

MARCELLUS  
Im not gay like you but yeah!!! Lets go!!! I know where he is in the mornings!!!

HORATIO  
I am not a homosexual, and I wouldn’t have suggested such hadn’t I known where Hamlet liked to reside in the morning time.

BARNARDO  
of course you know that, homo

They exit.


End file.
